Shittiest band idea this year?

[saint_al]

This ad was posted to Craigslist, Lexington KY region. It's still up if you don't believe it... I tend to think this is fictional, but if someone wants to reply!~

"Hoping to form a children's band. Our mission would be to prepare future generations for the coming apocalyptic breakdown of society from our current financial, ecological and social crisises...through music. We will be doing this in a completely secular manner. No religious overtones will be allowed in our music or live shows. Or course, this does not mean that I will turn away religious people if they feel the call to join this project. Only that I don't wish to preach to anyone, that's what church is for. Our goal will be to prepare these children so they will be able to survive when the inevitable happens. To teach them, through groovy music, so they aren't caught off-guard when they have to eat a pet, euthanize one of their parents because they have been exposed to too much radiation, or have to fight off a band of roving marauders who intend to capture, and then sell them as human sex slaves...or food.

Obviously, the message behind our music will be very important. There just isn't enough time left for us to reach as many children as is necessary to keep our species from descending into the lawless, murderous, vile creatures that we are bound to become as the looming crisis intensifies. Therefore, we must strive to educate as many children as we can so they can help rebuild civilization once most of the population starves and the Earth is put back into natural balance.

However if the music isn't rocking, we won't be able to reach anyone. Because of this, I am only looking to include dedicated musicians with a gifted grasp of their individual instruments. In other words, you won't be accepted into the group unless you kick ass. Please don't take this requirement as some kind of insult, or an indication that I am unrealistic or an egomaniac. Its just that this band needs to be good if we have any chance of reaching enough people to make a difference. Its as simple as that.

As for other requirements...there aren't very many. I would rather not include anyone over the age of 35 or anyone with a health problem. In the short term neither of these issues would be problematic. However, when the Earth shifts in it's orbit, the Stock Market fails, the oceans rise up and swallow all of the major cities and we as a band have to band together to defend our meager supplies from the hoards of people who have failed to provide for themselves during the end times, age and health will become an issue. Its a question of manpower. I hope you understand.

Another requirement is the ability to buy and/or stockpile weapons and ammunition. These will be needed for multiple reasons when the sh*t hits the fan in coming years. From killing whatever animals are left roaming around the wasteland for food, to defending ourselves from slavers and thieves, to putting ourselves out of our misery if it becomes evident that the world can not be saved. As such, felons need not apply.

The final requirement is that the band must be ethnically diverse. I am white, and while I can see bringing on a couple of other white players, the whole band can not be racially pure. This is mainly due to the fact that when society crumbles, the various races and/or religious factions will tend to band together and prey on the other groups. I would like for this band to avoid all of that. With many different ethnicities included in the band, I'm hoping that these groups leave us alone.

Oh...I almost forgot, we're going to need a 50-50 ratio of male to female members. All female members must be fertile and able to bring children to term while the men can not have erectile dysfunction. I think the rational for this requirement is self-evident. We're going to need more people once the cannibals start hunting and eating survivors.

As for general knowledge of the upcoming apocalypse, and the ways to prepare for it, don't worry if you're not up to speed. I've already got about 30 songs written that we can use and I'll be happy to teach you everything you need to know about surviving in the face of the terror that is to come. You'll be well prepared by the time we begin playing shows for the children.

Hopefully, this project will be fleshed out by early summer. The sooner the better, since we only have until 2012 to reach as much of the public as we can. I'm hoping to start around town playing for elementary schools, daycare centers and birthday parties...and then move on to surrounding cities as we become more well-known.

If you're interested, send me an e-mail with a brief description of why you want to join, what you play, what ethnicity you are, how many guns you own and whatever other information you feel is relevant. I'll get back to you as soon as possible to set up an audition.

Thanks,

Bob "Grizzly" Slaughter Jr."

[Jason Edge]

What are you talking about? That's a fantastic idea for a childrens band. If there ain't uranium rock at the apocalypse, I'm not going!!

Uranium Rock
Live@ The Apocalypse

[Ron]

As long as they pay me, don't fucking care what or why they play.

[saint_al]

Maybe the "shittiest" tag was way off... when posting, the age-old question "Who's going to hire them?" sprang to mind 1st. If "Grizzly" wants to start a survivalist-breeder Sly and the Family Stone act, that's cool w/ me. (I own guns, BTW.) Just couldn't visualize the market~ hell, there might really be one! Might work with older 8-and-up kids, who knows?
At least he's keeping it secular; nomination is withdrawn.
Any fresh nominees for the Shittiest Band Idea 2009 trophy?

[High Lord Mardy Pune]

I think it's fucking brilliant idea. They could do recipe songs on how to cook other survivors.

[Jason Edge]

I missed the 50/50 fertile section in my emergency preparedness plan. I really don't want humans coming back and certainly not from my seed. Then again, a new nation of long hairs that think only of surfing and RnR might be alright. I'm Irish Comanche though, we may have to eat the young to keep them from weeding out the old. It's not the guns you need to stockpile, it's the ammo.

No joke hunting tip for survival that I read in a '60s apocalypse manual recently acquired at my local thrift store. It was a fun read. Shoot the first thing that moves no matter how small. If it is unedible, lie in wait and shoot what ever comes to eat it.

[Ron]

[The Cats Eye]

Maybe the spacemen will come before 2012.

[High Lord Mardy Pune]

That last part is sound advice for young people! Whats the name of the '60s apocalypse manual? sounds great!

Jason Edge said:

I missed the 50/50 fertile section in my emergency preparedness plan. I really don't want humans coming back and certainly not from my seed. Then again, a new nation of long hairs that think only of surfing and RnR might be alright. I'm Irish Comanche though, we may have to eat the young to keep them from weeding out the old. It's not the guns you need to stockpile, it's the ammo.
No joke hunting tip for survival that I read in a '60s apocalypse manual recently acquired at my local thrift store. It was a fun read. Shoot the first thing that moves no matter how small. If it is unedible, lie in wait and shoot what ever comes to eat it.

[Jason Edge]

when did the spacemen leave? you don't bother to fuse chromosomes and walk away from the experiment. i read the other day that the root/origin of the word eden means walled garden. talk about escape from the planet of the apes.

The Cats Eye said:

Maybe the spacemen will come before 2012.

[Jason Edge]

"Life After Doomsday" by Clayton. I was wrong about the date. It was published in 1980 but falls back on a lot of Civil Defense knowledge from the '60s. It's has a '60s read to it, if that makes sense. It was the best of that genre that I've ever read. It's weird but plain fact unlike the paranoid extremist books.

High Lord Mardy Pune said:

That last part is sound advice for young people! Whats the name of the '60s apocalypse manual? sounds great!

Jason Edge said:

I missed the 50/50 fertile section in my emergency preparedness plan. I really don't want humans coming back and certainly not from my seed. Then again, a new nation of long hairs that think only of surfing and RnR might be alright. I'm Irish Comanche though, we may have to eat the young to keep them from weeding out the old. It's not the guns you need to stockpile, it's the ammo.
No joke hunting tip for survival that I read in a '60s apocalypse manual recently acquired at my local thrift store. It was a fun read. Shoot the first thing that moves no matter how small. If it is unedible, lie in wait and shoot what ever comes to eat it.

[Michael]

Ron's pic reminds me of The Dregs of Humanity. I watched too much shit TV in the 80's

[High Lord Mardy Pune]

Cheers Jason.

Jason Edge said:

"Life After Doomsday" by Clayton. I was wrong about the date. It was published in 1980 but falls back on a lot of Civil Defense knowledge from the '60s. It's has a '60s read to it, if that makes sense. It was the best of that genre that I've ever read. It's weird but plain fact unlike the paranoid extremist books.

High Lord Mardy Pune said:

That last part is sound advice for young people! Whats the name of the '60s apocalypse manual? sounds great!

Jason Edge said:

I missed the 50/50 fertile section in my emergency preparedness plan. I really don't want humans coming back and certainly not from my seed. Then again, a new nation of long hairs that think only of surfing and RnR might be alright. I'm Irish Comanche though, we may have to eat the young to keep them from weeding out the old. It's not the guns you need to stockpile, it's the ammo.
No joke hunting tip for survival that I read in a '60s apocalypse manual recently acquired at my local thrift store. It was a fun read. Shoot the first thing that moves no matter how small. If it is unedible, lie in wait and shoot what ever comes to eat it.